I cannot pretend that my struggles are the same as yours. You are doing such hard and good work, and I wish with you that there was more support for it. But I do relate to wondering what to do with my ambitions while remaining faithful to the things in front of me. I wish sometimes (often) that I was given desires that made more sense in my context. Is there something wrong with me, that though I adore my children, I am often so frustrated by the constraints of mothering full time? That sometimes it doesn't feel fair that I have an ability to do something, but no place to put it? And so I keep praying that it would make more sense one day. That the faithfulness now would make sense later, that nothing would be wasted. The best I've ever come to is to bring those real desires to God over and over, whether I *should* want them or not, and ask that he figure it out. At times there's an accusation -- "You made me this way! What am I supposed to do with it?" At others, just the surrender of doing the next thing.
I've just come across this through your musing in the Clayjar Review. You have a powerful, important, but gentle voice - and I'm glad to get to read it however much as you are able to write in it.
My husband and I have the same daydream you once had, of a family in the countryside. My chronic health condition sometimes wakes me cruelly from that dream, and points out all the other ways it might go 'wrong', too. But I take heart from reading your words - whatever it winds up looking like, it will be well if it is given to God.
God bless you sister, All we can do is pray that God will help us to want the work he has for us.
I suspect that writing may end up being part of it.
You probably already do this, but pray, pray, pray, and keep going to the well for Christ’s living water, and hug and kiss those babies of yours as much as they will let you.
Your writing always makes me feel less alone. I agree that trips to Costco are not going to help us feel fulfilled when we desire real work that’s appreciated. Someone to say thank you for doing it well, I can see how hard you worked.
I also live in a fantasy world most of the time. Imagining what it would be like to travel with my kids. Or even go out to a restaurant. Or even to see them play together.
Your comment made me smile. I loved this: "I also live in a fantasy world most of the time." You picked up on a detail I didn't explicitly write out, which is that these fantasy worlds are sometimes born out of survival instincts. Of course, we can get too caught up in fantasy and neglect the real world (which wouldn't be a positive thing at all), but most of my imaginings are an attempt to ask the question, "What would it look like, in practice, if I did what I want to do? How would that even begin to work?" The fantasy helps me to work out the answer to that question. In the end, I often come to an unsatisfying answer (i.e., this idea is probably not possible) but it offers closure and helps me to move forward. From there, I can hold up a new idea and unpack its possibilities. Every once in a while, a dream comes along that actually does work in practice and creates a new and beautiful reality. The discarded fantasies are, for me, worthwhile — as that forward motion often leads to new, usable ideas.
I'm sorry. This all sounds so hard. Lack of sleep is brutal. I too have dreamed of things only to crash down to the reality of my son not leaving the house, not being able to eat most food, my daughter not being able to wear most clothes. It's so deflating. Hoping that writing here fulfills some of your writing dreams and that more flexibile opportunities open up for you x
You do have an impact with your words here on substack. And it really is not a childs play what you are doing here and the quality of your writting. I am deeply moved by it and thank you ❤️ Recently I managed to find little spaces of time just for myself and what makes me feel most alive, after a long period of none of that time due to autism. It feels like me "before". I think you can imagine just how much that feels great. And it brings me closer to my family than ever. It took some real digging and searching to find that place where i could explore myself for myself. I think when i started thinking about that as i was thinking about autism, as a most important thing is when things started moving. And in a way it is shadow work, like Annelise says, why did god made me this way? Well, he did. And he knows why. And it is good. It just is. Trust his plan ❤️
I agree with Sara, Heather! You are attending to the hard and worthy work of writing right here on Substack. Thank you for making the time to share your words with us. We are all better for it, and so are you. And so is your family. :)
I cannot pretend that my struggles are the same as yours. You are doing such hard and good work, and I wish with you that there was more support for it. But I do relate to wondering what to do with my ambitions while remaining faithful to the things in front of me. I wish sometimes (often) that I was given desires that made more sense in my context. Is there something wrong with me, that though I adore my children, I am often so frustrated by the constraints of mothering full time? That sometimes it doesn't feel fair that I have an ability to do something, but no place to put it? And so I keep praying that it would make more sense one day. That the faithfulness now would make sense later, that nothing would be wasted. The best I've ever come to is to bring those real desires to God over and over, whether I *should* want them or not, and ask that he figure it out. At times there's an accusation -- "You made me this way! What am I supposed to do with it?" At others, just the surrender of doing the next thing.
I loved reading your thoughtful reflections, Annelise. We're very much on the same page.
I've just come across this through your musing in the Clayjar Review. You have a powerful, important, but gentle voice - and I'm glad to get to read it however much as you are able to write in it.
My husband and I have the same daydream you once had, of a family in the countryside. My chronic health condition sometimes wakes me cruelly from that dream, and points out all the other ways it might go 'wrong', too. But I take heart from reading your words - whatever it winds up looking like, it will be well if it is given to God.
I’m humbled by your generous words, Jemima. I loved your conclusion: “…Whatever it winds up looking like, it will be well if it is given to God.”
God bless you sister, All we can do is pray that God will help us to want the work he has for us.
I suspect that writing may end up being part of it.
You probably already do this, but pray, pray, pray, and keep going to the well for Christ’s living water, and hug and kiss those babies of yours as much as they will let you.
Amen. What wonderful advice. Thank you so much, Bob.
Your writing always makes me feel less alone. I agree that trips to Costco are not going to help us feel fulfilled when we desire real work that’s appreciated. Someone to say thank you for doing it well, I can see how hard you worked.
I also live in a fantasy world most of the time. Imagining what it would be like to travel with my kids. Or even go out to a restaurant. Or even to see them play together.
Autism parents feel so lonely.
Your comment made me smile. I loved this: "I also live in a fantasy world most of the time." You picked up on a detail I didn't explicitly write out, which is that these fantasy worlds are sometimes born out of survival instincts. Of course, we can get too caught up in fantasy and neglect the real world (which wouldn't be a positive thing at all), but most of my imaginings are an attempt to ask the question, "What would it look like, in practice, if I did what I want to do? How would that even begin to work?" The fantasy helps me to work out the answer to that question. In the end, I often come to an unsatisfying answer (i.e., this idea is probably not possible) but it offers closure and helps me to move forward. From there, I can hold up a new idea and unpack its possibilities. Every once in a while, a dream comes along that actually does work in practice and creates a new and beautiful reality. The discarded fantasies are, for me, worthwhile — as that forward motion often leads to new, usable ideas.
Keep writing, friend. Keep dreaming. It is good work you are doing.
Thank you for these wonderfully kind words, Erin.
Wow, this resonates deeply. Thank you for these words!
I feel seen.
Right there with you ❤️
Thank you for taking the time to read and feel these things along with me, Caroline!
I'm sorry. This all sounds so hard. Lack of sleep is brutal. I too have dreamed of things only to crash down to the reality of my son not leaving the house, not being able to eat most food, my daughter not being able to wear most clothes. It's so deflating. Hoping that writing here fulfills some of your writing dreams and that more flexibile opportunities open up for you x
Thank you, Faith. I so appreciate your sharing. I am right there with you. I pray that, little by little, God continues to sanctify me.
You do have an impact with your words here on substack. And it really is not a childs play what you are doing here and the quality of your writting. I am deeply moved by it and thank you ❤️ Recently I managed to find little spaces of time just for myself and what makes me feel most alive, after a long period of none of that time due to autism. It feels like me "before". I think you can imagine just how much that feels great. And it brings me closer to my family than ever. It took some real digging and searching to find that place where i could explore myself for myself. I think when i started thinking about that as i was thinking about autism, as a most important thing is when things started moving. And in a way it is shadow work, like Annelise says, why did god made me this way? Well, he did. And he knows why. And it is good. It just is. Trust his plan ❤️
So much kindness and goodness here. Thank you for sharing, Emilija.
Wow. This is lovely, Heather. Seems that you're doing those newspaper-y things here on Substack.
I agree with Sara, Heather! You are attending to the hard and worthy work of writing right here on Substack. Thank you for making the time to share your words with us. We are all better for it, and so are you. And so is your family. :)
Thank you for your generous words, Elizabeth! Right back at ya!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Sara! That is, indeed, my hope!